My 40 Day Blessing

At the beginning of 2005, in Berlin, I got pregnant for the third time. I remember clearly around that time feeling like I was just starting to surface somewhat, following an intense few years. First child was born in 2002, second child in 2003 .. and now a third! It took me some weeks to get on board with it. Mother of 3? In Australia that’s pretty normal. I myself am 1 of 3. But in Germany if you had 3 you belonged to a small group of “really big families”. I had no family in Germany. Not much of a local network, though it was slowly growing. But what I DID have was my Kundalini Yoga family, my extended community. And I had knowledge of a life-saving practice up my sleeve.

What I was really starting to accept was that each child seemed to bring their own big lessons for me. With my first, I was made a mother. I learned about what I really need and who I really am and the importance of communicating it. With my second, I learned how to stay true to myself in the face of opposition and to fight for what I felt was right. With this one it felt like another kind of sink or swim situation. I felt more tired, more depleted, even at the outset. I knew that if I was going to have a chance of being the mother I wanted to be and feel how I wanted to feel I was going to have to confront my shyness about asking for help .. because I was going to need alot of it. I knew that if I was able to make the first 40 days following the birth deeply restful and supported, things would go on well from there. If I didn’t .. well, I didn’t want to imagine that scenario!

So I put the word out into my European yoga community, out to people who also knew the teaching of the 40 Day Blessing - the sacred window of time following birth. They also understood the value of the role of sevadar, one who selflessly serves, in this case serves the mother. They understood what a deep practice that can be - challenging at times to put one’s own ego aside to serve, but also very rewarding and an honour. There was a precedent for it too, as I knew that other women had also set this up.

At first after putting out my call it seemed that there would be no response. I had a little crisis of faith. Was this too much to ask? But my need was great and also my commitment to the challenge, so I asked again. As the weeks passed, a team of sevadars began to assemble. It wasn’t as I thought - one sevadar for the whole time. But it was perfect. We had 3 sevadars coming to cover the full 40 days, one after the other (with a few days over Christmas with my parents in law with us). It just fit! We knew we would get some money from our health insurance to go towards paying household help during the first few weeks and that we could stretch it out and augment it a bit so as to pay the women something - not alot, but something. Definitely all their travel costs and expenses and then some. Miraculously, friends who lived 3 apartment buildings down happened to be going away for the entire time of the 40 days, so that the sevadars would have their own dwelling. It pressed my buttons sometimes, asking for and accepting all this help. Yet it was bigger than me and I knew it would serve not only me but my whole family. So, amazingly, with a lot of persistence, grace and generosity, the plan unfolded. Again the message, if you are really passionate about something, with your whole heart, ask for it. You don’t know how it will unfold and then, amazingly, it does. I have come to believe that luck does indeed favour the brave.

25th November came, my baby’s due date. We went to the midwife clinic, then, bizzarely, IKEA on the way home. In the bathroom there I began to trip out a bit, starting to feel other-worldly. It began to snow, the first time that year. We made it home in time for my waters to break. By 11.45pm that night she was there. Born on her due date! The last day I was expecting her to come! We were home by daybreak.

I lost a fair bit of blood in the birth, so I was especially tired after this one. I was actually tired from the past 4 years.. maybe more. I lay in bed with my newborn and slept and, when I was awake and feeding or holding her, I gazed at her wonder. It snowed outside and I was cozy in bed. The atmosphere held that soft magic that a newborn brings with them. Our first sevadar arrived and settled in. It took a while to relax into that - her being in my kitchen, my living room, cooking, cleaning, playing with the other 2 kids. But when she began bringing me thermoses of yogi tea, nourishing soups, almonds in ghee, snacks, porridge etc to be honest it didn’t take me long to relax into it! I slept alot. I breastfed. I processed the birth by talking with my midwife, having acupuncture, letting my emotions and words flow. I slept some more. Ate. Fed.

Christmas came and with it the parents in law - another flavour, but still good and the children loved them being there. Then the next sevadar, who was wonderful. And then the next. By that stage I was up and about. With this baby I’m pretty sure I spent 3 weeks only in bed, hibernating. I was moving around. I began to do bits of baby yoga with my baby and to give her massages. We bonded deeply. I may have gone for a couple of walks outside in the freezing cold, with my newborn wrapped up against my body inside a big coat. But I was very content to be quiet. I meditated alot. Read. Played with my other kids and read to them.

With this third child I also felt a different kind of self-knowledge and empowerment in relation to my husband. I let go of the idea that he needed to be something for me that actually he probably couldn’t, leaving him free to be what he was for me - a steady, warm presence - and also giving him the space to get to know this new baby and to adjust to being father of 3. I realised that now, with 3 children, the family operation needed other people to come in and help. Being 5 was a whole new dimension.

By the time the third sevadar came, bless her, I was already feeling the tide turn inside me. A new energy was building. A readiness. I was amazed that when I truly got as much rest as I needed, when I let myself drop into that, I finally touched the bottom in myself, and then there was a natural rise, like a pushing off and up. I felt peaceful, joyful, energised. I was ready to get out there as a mother of 3. I missed taking my other kids to kinderladen and picking them up. I was ready for the world. It was time.

My third sevadar loved being there with us and as the 40 day mark passed, she was still there. The energy in me started to turn a little itchy and impatient, really on day 40. I had had enough rest and if it went on for any longer it would turn into something else. Too much of a good thing. That;’s how full my cup was. When she did leave there I was. Emerging from my cocoon. Mother of 3.

We had a gathering of friends and community to introduce Sophia to the world and I reentered it myself. In those early days and weeks I felt so genuinely calm, happy and at rest in myself that when I would proceed down the street with my little caravan of people - on my back, in the pram, on the kiddy board.. or on the bike seat, in the sling, in the bike trailer .. people would look and smile and comment on how calm and happy I seemed. How nice that was to see.

The secret, I would say, was in getting the full amount of rest. It lay in being cared for fully. In giving myself and my family this gift. Knowing we are worth it. And in having the time and space to fully connect to my new sense of self as I embarked on this next chapter of the journey.

This level of restfulness didn’t hold forever. But the experience provided a touchstone to return to and a deep knowing of the precious priceless value of that blessing - the 40 Day Blessing.